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News in Brief
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Week of October 20

* The mighty Japanese yen just fell below the flaccid US dollar for the first time since the last samurai (the actual last samurai, not that shit Tom Cruise movie). Nikkei hilarity panic ensued.
So if you were ever thinking about canceling your overambitious plans to visit Japan, now might be the best time to do so.

* Yesterday, a Japanese woman vomited upon eating Cup Noodle. And then her tongue went numb. For today's experimental lunch, I did not vomit upon eating my Cup Noodle. And my tongue? Still not numb. Apparently, Nissin forgot to put bug spray in mine. Goddammit.

* In news that made even CNN headlines, a Japanese woman is jailed for 'killing' her soon-to-be-divorced husband's Maple Story avatar. Warcraft addicts everywhere rofl'd, then quickly changed their passwords.

* Despite having never felt the need to run farther than 10 miles in a single sitting in my entire life, I still managed 13 point something miles in one hour and forty minutes in Sunday's Hiruzen Marathon. For my efforts, I received two giant radishes and a hand towel.
Kindly put that in your pipe and smoke it.

* Tokyo's Japan Today finally gets their newsworthy shit together. About damn time too. What's it been guys? Like, five years?

* "All Aboard," the punk tribute to Johnny Cash is released. The collective legend of husky vocals, black duds, lines of cocaine, shooting random dudes in Reno, and jailhouse rock promptly rolled in his grave, stretched his legs, and stood up to mosh.

* Senator Obama wipes errant sneeze on reporter, wins hearts of countless swing voters, steals November election.

* At the continued behest of Westerners everywhere, Japanese people continue to pretend they enjoy eating whale.
Ok, just file this under 'non-news,' and move on...
...That is, unless the new protest strategy is to "eat moar whale!" Excuse me, what?

* PS3 heavy-hitter LittleBigPlanet did not meet its promised Tuesday release date thanks to Sony hitting the red 'panic' button on several Koran quotes tucked within the soundtrack. For a game that will inevitably play host to countless penis-shaped user creations, I would have thought that a whimsical little Islamic diddy should be the least of Sony's concerns. Clearly, the internet and I are mistaken.

* "Babel" progress:
They gave me shoes to shine and a shirt to press. White leather belt over dress blues. Buttons. Brass ones. Copper ones too. Red-trimmed epaulettes on my shoulders and colored swatches on my chest. Even gave me a medal. Glory, somewhere--something to someone.

But drifting stares through the cross-examination at their faces, thin veil of shame hiding mother’s puffy eyes and father’s angry brow, it all meant nothing. Nothing to me, and nothing to them. I was a clown. A glittering Christmas tree of alleged guilt. My uniform, now a public liability, and my badges, criminal indictments.

So I decided not to wait around to find out. Without a word, I’ve gone.
First by taxi, then by train. Fourteen hours, I rode the Tokkaido.
East. Towards Tokyo.

1 contributions to this piece:

Kathryn said...

I actually got the CNN "breaking news" link emailed to me for the avatar murder. I thought it was hilarious then...but more so now. :)

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