"working on my faults and cracks..."

3.13.2008

One step forward, light years back


I may be narrow-minded to a fault, but I guarantee that know a totally sweet opportunity when I see one.

Having thus gone through "all the trouble of obtaining a native speaker," I was commissioned this afternoon by our school PR suits to write up some catchy English jangles to emblazen on a fresh batch of colorful tote bags that we'd be handing out for promotional purposes at school events later this year. It was today, that I learned the true evil workings behind the all-consuming Engrish idiocy machine.

After my cutsie inspirational one-liners were systematically AA-gunned out of the sky ("If you can dream it, you can Richu it!" I know, award-winning PR material--eat my ass), I was dutifully instructed to return to my drawing board and just hammer out some grammatically correct phrases that didn't "...necessarily have to have anything to do with the school" and "not to worry if they [students] couldn't understand." It was also suggested that the phrases be "several lines long," and contain "upper-case lettering" because it "looked cooler." As I headed back to my desk, I was asked to include "a number--perhaps the current year..."
For placing it in the immediate relevancy of present-tense, I'm certain.

So here I am, back at my desk, sipping a lukewarm can of bitter coffee after hours, smelly innards of the blissfully ignorant Engrish jabberwocky spilled out over my keyboard. It is here, dear reader, that I offer you the opportunity of a lifetime:
give me your original Engrish masterpieces--something that Engrish.com would be proud of.
If the suits take the bait, and this gets turned into an honest-to-god tote, you'll get full credit when I submit the photographs for the Pulitzer. Just make sure it fits the above criteria. And in case you have issues with following along, or reading from left to right, the "above criteria" conveniently includes "just about fucking anything as long as it's grammatically correct."

Shoot me an email, or just have at it in the comments.

Make me proud.






** As of about 5:30 Thursday afternoon, the following are my brilliant, grammatically impeccable suggestions:

NEW GALAXY:
2008 is the year that children with pervasive developmental disabilities get strapped to a experimental rocket pack and launched into the farthest reaches of space! Reach for the sky in '08!

HEY GET BENT YOU OLD FART
Lap dances are fine but touching is not!
In '08, we bring the g-string thunder: Nation-wide prefectural legislative reform!

'Frank and beans' is a recipe where hot dogs are cut up and cooked in the same sauce as the baked beans. BEANS ARE AWESOME!! Also referred to as 'Beanee Weenee,' the brand name under which it is sold by Van Camp's. Sometimes versed as an addendum in the closing credits to "Beans: The Musical. Fruit." the Broadway production, currently in production.

BUKKAKE IN 2008: NOT JUST FOR UDON ANYMORE
Dear Jesus, I wish this wasn't true.

IF YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE, everyone will love you. In fact, who wants a mustache ride? Like in that hilarious movie "Super Troopers" where the Mexican-but-not-Mexican guy throws out the offer, and the ditzy German chick was like "Ooh, I do! I do!" and he was all like "Whatever." 2008.

** UPDATE: Reader Submissions **

Bob suggests classic American cinema:
MONGO LIKE CANDY!
Blazing saddles is the exegetic film you need to gain deep understanding of the American psyche. The eructative flatulent cowboys of 1974 are a touchstone that has yet to be surpassed.
HOW ABOUT MORE BEANS, MR. TAGGART?

Zach B. likes balls. And walls:
BALLS TO THE WALL: In a place of chaos; where you can hear pigs being slaughtered, women weeping, children crying and men gnashing their teeth. Join us in a year of trepidation. There is no weaksauce for you in 2008.

Anonymous eschews bodily function and stays classy with T.S. Eliot:
"I have played," so he says, "every possible part,
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.
I'd extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag,
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.

Adam sets up a neighborhood watch for flying pies:
BURRITO SUPREME
A tasty treat for any auspicious occasion! 1992 was the year of justice, so change your clock to go back in time. Terrorists. WATCH THE SKIES FOR FLYING PIES! Bite hard, but close your eyes for extra taste! The world may never know. Utilize for a better tomorrow.


6 contributions to this piece:

Zach B. said...

Can't.....stop....laughing! Every time I read the first two I lose all ability to breathe. It's a rather heavy gauntlet you're throwing down to your following, you've done pretty ballstothewall work yourself. I got nothing, I leave it to my betters.

" BALLS TO THE WALL: In a place of chaos; where you can hear pigs being slaughtered, women weeping, children crying and men gnashing their teeth. Join us in a year of trepidation. There is no weaksauce for you in 2008!"

"I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you."
-Vincenzo Coccotti


^- I dunno, it's just a line from a movie I like alot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iYYZYkM3s0

Dagbert said...

Bonus points for classic Tarentino, and extras for the usage of "weaksauce."

Anonymous said...

SchoolNameHere 2008
"I have played," so he says, "every possible part,
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.
I'd extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag,
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.

Gus - The Theatre Cat - a poem by T S Eliot

SchoolNameHere 2008
"Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for two
Pennyworth only of Beautiful Soup?
Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?"

Beautiful Soup - a poem by Lewis Carroll

Anonymous said...

Is it more important to be grammatically corret, or to be Engrish? Is Engrish gramatically correct? Or are you just looking for any insane ole thing to get on the bag, Engrish or not.

http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=guolong-building-sign.jpg&category=CHINGLISH&date=2008-03-11

^Good Engrish

http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=sun-aloha-sign.jpg&category=Signs/Posters&date=2008-02-28

^More lengthy engrish

Dagbert said...

^ ^
Both nice examples.
Engrish is a mixed bag--sometimes horrible grammar, sometimes just horrible structure. In either case though, nonsensical imagery serves the public best through repeated thrustings without blatant transparency or meaning in Biology.

Anonymous said...

These two got me pretty good, last time I promsie. The second one is borderline overwhelming.

http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=denki-stove.jpg&category=Household%20Items&date=2007-06-22

http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=pot-scrubbing-pad.jpg&category=Household%20Items&date=2004-08-26

 
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