"Oh yes...there will be spam..."

Earlier in the week, the university's usually tight email spam blocker was hacked, and thoroughly spammed. The email that we were hit with looked something like this. Click to enlarge the cyber nonsense. Only a few hours after the initial mail dropped into my crowded box, the pleas from confused and defenseless students, begging for the madness to stop, came flooding in. I'll refrain from posting their names, and the other 50 gazillion responses that were unceremoniously dumped in my inbox, but I'll keep the response flow, to the nameless, faceless spam, which went something like this:

All caps to ensure the recipient understands the author is damn serious:

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN!

This next response used threats--like a crotchety old neighbor about to call the cops. More than one exclamation mark was used to multiply emphasis:

I don't know who either of you are or how your emails ended up on my computer. However, if you email me anything like this again, I will report it!!!!!!!!!

Then, the typical WTF response from a typical pacifist idiot:

who is this and why am I getting these dumb emails?

The next guy tried to send a "hey man, knock it off" style response. It was ignored.

yea get me off of your list and quit sending me this bullshit

Like a jaded husband begging for a divorce, this guy doesn't have a freaking clue:

same here.. get me off soon and forget me after that!

Ah, the obligatory all caps STFU response. This guy is starting to get aggrivated. If only he knew god was laughing at him:

I REPEAT WHAT EVERYONE SAID. . . DO NOT E-MAIL ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Finally! By day three, someone blows a whistle on the invisible foul! Too bad she doesn't know either.

i don't know what this is. do not email me with insulting comments because i have no idea what this is. it doesn't even show up on my computer. it must be a virus. whatever it is, do not insult me because i don't even know who you are.

Wait wait! I didn't do it! I'm not even holding a gun! Stop shooting at me!!

i didnt email anything!!! i keep getting emails saying dont email this again but i dont know what the golden portly thing is either!! there must be a mix up with email addresses!

Holy shit! A breakthrough! Some twit with half a brain (the part that manages punctuation, spelling, and proper syntax was out to lunch) finally picks up on the game:

Haven’t you people realized it yet. Someone has a virus and is spamin the *******@findlay.edu email account. Quit replyin its not goona help.

Another soothing voice of reason breaks the cloudy skies of idiocy--thank you Captain Obvious. But what if someone WAS legitimately trying to offend?

Someone needs to calm down. No one is trying to insult anyone. There is a problem with spam through the Findlay e-mail accounts. Please do not be offended, as no one is trying to offend you. Some one should contact ITS and see if they can make it a priority to stop this spam.

Even after the previous two responses, this numbskull still doesn't have a damn clue. And he's ok with sharing that:

I have no idea what this e-mail is but I don't want it either, so, yah, take me off too!

Lights on, but nobody's home. Must be an equestrian student. Maybe she misses the spam party.

Hello!?!?

More anger. More CAPS. People just aren't getting it. As the responses pour in, I break out the popcorn and a kidney belt to protect my ravaged innards from the sidesplitting laughter.

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN EITHER!!!, I don't know what it is , not from me

At last, a giant E-Bitch Slap to all the retards who thought they were engaged in some valiant cyber battle for good and evil. Thank you, o great, faceless god of tech support. "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in your servers."

Campus Community:

In the last couple of days you may have received a number of emails from people or email lists, both on and off campus, that you either do not know or to which you do not subscribe. This rash of emails occurred as a result of a failure with one of our spam filters. This filter was repaired earlier this morning and you should no longer be receiving spamming messages of this nature.
We apologize for this inconvenience and the nuisance of having to deal with these inappropriate messages during this time.
If you continue to have spam related email issues, please contact the help desk at x4357 or by email at ***********@findlay.edu.

By the time the digital dust settled, the equestrians went back to their horses, the angry stoners went back to their Halo 2, and I, well I went back to wishing I hadn't ruptured my spleen.