progress, uncorked

Whoa, damn. 

Now where the hell was this little burst two weeks ago when I needed it?  

Still on the run

Since a particularly exhausting bout with growing pains in my college freshman year, I've been running to stave off stress, and stay in shape. Far slower than someone who does it as means to bring home the reduced-fat bacon, but leagues faster than the average fitness aficionado or weekend warrior, it's become one of those hobbies that often manifests itself as more than just a hobby.
In the past, I've posted a few useless strategies I regularly employ to get into consistent exercise patterns (along with my love for getting high on endorphines). But I couldn't ever step out the door without first being properly equipped, so this time, I'd like to show you how I gear up. Seeing as I already have an entire closet full of wicking shirts, compression tights, and windbreakers for every temperature, let's assume we're all running in regular gym shorts and a tee shirt, and just focus on the gear that enhances the simple act of feet in perfect rhythm, striking pavement.

1. Shoes. The condition of your feet will ultimately determine how often you go out, or stay in, so I can't stress enough how important it is to not go running in your mother's old basketball shoes.
I recently cashed in 500 miles on a pair of Nike+ equipped Shox, then started running on a pair of Nike Air Zoom Katanas. As close to wearing wings as I've ever been, it's critical for me to find shoes that don't impede my stride, stress my lower back, or give me blisters.
I barely know they're there.

2. Second generation iPod Nano. My perfect running partner; portable, light, versatile, moisture resistant, and always just a little bit faster than me. Apple has other crappy iterations of the Nano, but for running, the second-gen is ideal. Rather than list the million reasons why I'll never replace it, you'll just have to take me on my word--that this is the last mp3 player you'll ever need for exercise.

3. If you've spent more than nine dollars on exercise headphones, you're a moron. They should be simple; clean and clear, sweat resistant, and conveniently hook on your t-shirt when not in use. I've been using this same model without fail for something like six years. 'Simple,' simply does what it's supposed to do without screwing you over. Simple is best, people.

4. Twice a week, small running weights like these are great when you want your cardio run to wipe the pavement with your dragging ass. No need to overdo on size--I prefer a higher exertion combined with a lighter load (two 3 pounders), rather than running soft on too much weight. Bigger yield on overall performance in the end. The proper outcome burns more calories and helps tighten your arms and upper body. 6 extra pounds may not seem like much on paper, but try holding pace over a mile with them. Then we'll talk.

5. Two words: power song.
The Nike+ system completely changed the way I run. Part running partner, part training coach, and part motivational influence, it's become as integral to each run as my shoes themselves. When used in conjunction with the Nike+ website, you can compete in worldwide events, map out routes, and set goals. But if that's too much, you can just use it as a stopwatch/pedometer that plays Journey. Or Fall Out Boy. Most importantly though, it just forced me outside on days I didn't want to go, and made the days I did go out a hell of a lot more enjoyable. An added bonus, the internal female voice that tracks my progress and reports my times is downright sexy.

However, if you're balking at committing to a new pair of special shoes just to fit the sport kit transmitter, but you already have a Nano, then spring for a Lacelid instead--the $5 solution that will work just as flawlessly on a pair of Asics, as it will on your mother's old basketball shoes.

6. Released back in November, is the last piece of function to my system. Admittedly, while the Nike Amp+ remote was most valuable during last winter's cold weather when my iPod stayed tucked beneath multiple layers, it still provides quick, no-look access to pace times, volume, and song selection without having to fumble through a sweaty pocket mid-stride. Plus, it looks pretty sweet as a standalone timepiece.

All in all though, just as you have to figure out your body and find your own pace and rhythm, gathering gear that works best for you, and fine-tuning your own personal system (be it a playlist, a stretching routine, a certain running route, etc) is what helps make running so rewarding, and ultimately, worth doing.

"I will run the streets and hostile lands
I will touch the rain with all I have
I will breathe the air, just scream it loud
My feet will never touch the ground..."

The DI's Ten Rules to Keeping With Your Goals

Read my other top ten if you just started running. If you're already in the trenches though, use the following to keep your fanny from going soft:

10. Thou shalt remember that the first three workouts are fun. The next three are hell, and from then on, it will be an "invigorating drag."

9. Thou shalt exercise no fewer than three times per week. Any less, and you are a failure.

8. Thou shalt run where people can see you. For 30 minutes, 5 times a week, you're high on endorphines and they're not. Lazy assholes.

7. Thou shalt embrace your iPod as a close friend, and training partner. It may make you look like a douchebag in the grocery store, but it will save your life in the final 400 meters.

6. Thou shalt make a plan. Whether it's to run 5 miles without stopping, or to just get out five times a week, you have to give yourself something to work toward. Let me repeat myself. Thou shalt make a plan. I cannot stress enough, how important this is.

5. Thou shalt never assume that running two days in a row makes you exempt for three.
Stop being such an underachieving twat.

4. Thou shalt alter your routine. You cannot expect to continue developing results by spending three weeks on the same route, going the same distance, and performing the same reps. Your body will quickly adapt to the predictability, and find ways to cut corners.

3. Thou shalt lie to your body. Plan to run 2 miles, get dressed, stretch, and run three. If your brain expects the "next power line" to be the finish, run five more.

2. Thou shalt not use analogies referring to or containing the seizing of "the day", "bulls" and/or "horns" in vain. These are serious expressions, and not to be carelessly exploited for your pitiful and temporary motivation.

1. Thou shalt overcome temptation. The single hardest part of any workout is lacing up your shoes. Double those knots, and get your lazy arse out the front door.

Have daikon, will travel

There was something strange about the way runners were warming up Sunday morning. They were sprinting in droves to the sign-up tent. Then excitedly waiting in line. Starting position? Raffle? T-shirt sizing?

Wrong, wrong, and for sooth.

Radishes.

We were each given giant radishes for participating in the race.
3000 participants, at two radishes a head, and that's a pretty huge goddamn run on the local radish harvest. All these people, scurrying around chattering, psyched about running and stupid radishes, and I'm the only one still confused.

"Congratulations on your hard fought finish--here are your sweet and delicious Hiruzen radishes, better luck next year."
"Wait, wait, don't I get a t-shirt? Something I can at least wear!?"
"Yes, but t-shirts cannot be enjoyed in stews, salads, or with boiled meats. Next in line please!"
"Wait, what the f--??"

...

"[in Japanese] Hey bro, so like, are you gonna hang on to those radishes, or what? Cause..."

Functional clothing would have been nice. Instead, the race organizers assumed a white chocolate bar, a Hiruzen tourism pamphlet, and these damned radishes would be nicer. And to think, I was just starting to forget I was still stuck in Japan.
Figure I'll give one to a friend who actually knows how to cook, and then keep the other under my bed to bludgeon any would-be apartment burglars looking to relieve me of my now broken PS3**.

Oh yeah, the actual race? Sadly, for all the pomp and circumstance, it was still a sloppy bag of arse. I plodded through the hilly and windswept 10k course in 41:21--an embarrassing time. One I certainly won't soon forget. Still good enough for 35th place though--soundly crushing all the old women, handicapped children, and that gangly Australian dude, yet slow enough to handily lose to the runners who were actually there for more than giant, penis-shaped vegetables.

Probably should have just slept in.
Would have been more productive.




**Tragic, unrelated incident

Eye of the Badger

Next Sunday is the Hiruzen Marathon in northern Okayama. My first ever competitive footrace, and I'm so nervous, I chewed off all my fingernails just in writing this. My concerns are not in my ability to finish (as often the case with amateur pre-race jitters), but rather in how fast. I want to place well enough to justify continued training for the possibility of a full marathon early next year. Furthermore, I need to prove to myself that I'm not better off in a rocking chair on some porch, screaming for the personal nurse to change my colostomy bag.

But have I trained hard enough? Have I sucked down enough raw eggs? Have I run up enough sets of stairs to warrent air-humping to Eye of the Tiger? The race is held every year on the same mountain (5k up, 5k down), so fair enough. I've been training on my commute route--which, if you remember, requires ascending a goddamn mountain every morning. I've done sprints, I've done stairs, I've ran quick 5k's, I've ran 5k's in sets, I've ran 10k's, and I've ran the 16k loop to and from the shrine every Sunday morning with the team for the last month. I've run backwards and forwards, with weights, and without, in the rain, and in the blazing sun. Sometimes even, backwards with weights in the rain.

My fastest 5 and 10k times are not total shit, but I'm still nervous. I'd rather not be ready, for readiness implies an acceptance that I have reached my limit--that I cannot possibly run any faster. The problem, is that I'm sure I still can. I'm just not certain how to tap into this measure of speed; a measure which I had always believed required first being chased by a shotgun-toting badger riding an angry bear.

Shit. How the hell am I going to legally acquire both a shotgun, and a bear in just a week?

50 steps to the outhouse

Holy crap.

"...doa gochui kudasai. Hai, soredewa tugi wa Tsukaguchi eki desu. Tsukagu--... Tsuka...ehtto...ehtto... Tugi wa...ehh--uuuaaaaugh! yabai yabai yabai yabai yabai!!"
*soft splatter*

"Violent bout" for the win. How come my train delays are always boring run-of-the-mill stuff? Mild flooding, an occasional jumper, schoolkid train track shenanigans...But goddamn! "Lingering aroma of human fecal destruction" would definitely be a first.

And to think I used to hate coming into work on a Saturday.


Trans: "...caution, doors are closing. All right, the next station is Tsukaguchi. Tsukagu--...Tsuka...uh...uhm...the next is uhh...uuuaaaaugh! oh...oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god!!"

Thou Shalt Never Quit: The DI's Ten Commandments to Getting Started

Exercising sucks. Honestly, it blows ass. I'm not going to lie. If it weren't for the natural endorphine high (more on this later), I don't know why anyone would bother. I know I most certainly wouldn't. I like to think endorphines are God's way of subtly suggesting that getting and staying in shape is worth it. But you can't get in shape in three hours, three days, or even three weeks (if you suck bad enough). It takes time, and it takes effort. So I created a list to keep my lazy side in check, which I recently stapled it to my forehead--just for that extra reminder. Getting it tattooed would probably be less painful.
But not as awesome.

10. Thou shalt not try to set any world records during your first week. You are not Carl Lewis. And you are out of shape.

9. Thou shalt swallow your pride and run in sets. Rome wasn't conquered in a day. Same goes for that spare tire.

8. Thou shalt not cancel your workouts due to inclement weather. Just stay out from under the trees.

7. Thou shalt tie your shoelaces in double knots. There is no excuse pathetic enough to justify stopping to catch your breath.

6. Thou shalt not listen to "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation. The Cold War is over, and you are not Rocky Balboa. Tacky bitch.

5. Thou shalt reward yourself for achieving noteworthy milestones. With equipment. Food rewards are for the Weight Watchers.

4. Thou shalt not trivialize calories by counting them. You are not a supermodel. Besides, they fuel every mile you conquer.

3. Thou shalt start slow, and pace yourself. You should be comfortable at the two-minute mark, not ready to drop dead.

2. Thou shalt understand that only giant pussies exchange their "sore muscle" tokens at the loser wagon for extra days off. Soreness is progress, not some debilitating disease.

1. And for the last 400 meters, thou shalt run as though you are Carl Lewis. Don't worry, the delicious endorphines will numb the threatening taste of sour vomit.