Exercising sucks. Honestly, it blows ass. I'm not going to lie. If it weren't for the natural endorphine high (more on this later), I don't know why anyone would bother. I know I most certainly wouldn't. I like to think endorphines are God's way of subtly suggesting that getting and staying in shape is worth it. But you can't get in shape in three hours, three days, or even three weeks (if you suck bad enough). It takes time, and it takes effort. So I created a list to keep my lazy side in check, which I recently stapled it to my forehead--just for that extra reminder. Getting it tattooed would probably be less painful.
But not as awesome.
10. Thou shalt not try to set any world records during your first week. You are not Carl Lewis. And you are out of shape.
9. Thou shalt swallow your pride and run in sets. Rome wasn't conquered in a day. Same goes for that spare tire.
8. Thou shalt not cancel your workouts due to inclement weather. Just stay out from under the trees.
7. Thou shalt tie your shoelaces in double knots. There is no excuse pathetic enough to justify stopping to catch your breath.
6. Thou shalt not listen to "Eye of the Tiger" for motivation. The Cold War is over, and you are not Rocky Balboa. Tacky bitch.
5. Thou shalt reward yourself for achieving noteworthy milestones. With equipment. Food rewards are for the Weight Watchers.
4. Thou shalt not trivialize calories by counting them. You are not a supermodel. Besides, they fuel every mile you conquer.
3. Thou shalt start slow, and pace yourself. You should be comfortable at the two-minute mark, not ready to drop dead.
2. Thou shalt understand that only giant pussies exchange their "sore muscle" tokens at the loser wagon for extra days off. Soreness is progress, not some debilitating disease.
1. And for the last 400 meters, thou shalt run as though you are Carl Lewis. Don't worry, the delicious endorphines will numb the threatening taste of sour vomit.
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