forget jeeves

They say the only stupid question is the unasked one, but I beg to differ. There is a mighty metric shitload of stupid questions out there that have been asked with perfectly quizzical intentions. Whether or not you have the audacity to ask is a whole separate issue. So anyway, on the redesigned DI, in lieu of the contact page--which I've made rid of, I'm instead opting for a more "open forum" courtesy of formspring--the internet's next impending sheep invasion. Via the aforementioned link, or the text field in the sidebar below my twitter feed, feel free to comment, say hello, ask a question, share a thought, whatever. Use the same link to follow up on any responses, as well. Oh, and a formspring account, and better judgement are entirely optional. The end result, I hope, will be a continuous thread of mostly anonymous nonsense.

Your move, internets.

"japan," the metaphor

The following is a hastily assembled list of ten classic stereotypes concerning Japan that I am often asked about [*], or just assumed everyone already assumed. I won't be linking to any factual proof because I'm tired of being at the office, and my experience alone should suffice.

May the glorious DI debunk-athon begin.


10. The Japanese language can be mastered within a few seasons of Naruto
No, it can't.
I'd write more here, but I'd risk wearing out the m, o, r, and n keys on my keyboard.

9. Japanese people never divorce
One in every four couples in 2007 would kindly like to ask if your source was a microfilm from the city library basement.

8. Japanese people never sue
While civil disagreements may have been closed privately in the past, Japanese people love money just like any other country's citizens. It's just gotten easier as of late. The skin of my teeth is most recent proof of this. So of course they'll sue, you naive bimbo.

7. Japanese politicians are notoriously efficient
Careful not to confuse your stereotype with Japan's last two prime ministers, who are both still collecting unemployment checks after prematurely throwing in the towel. Something about a scandal. Or three.

6. All Japanese people are thin and healthy
Also not true. Ever been to Hawaii? The Japanese people there are hu---ge.

5. Japan is very clean
At a street level, yes, it is. But where do those 50 billion annual tons of trash go? Definitely not forming a conga line to the incinerators, or waltzing on the ships to China, that's for sure.

4. Japanese people struggle with "l" and "r" when speaking English
Actually, not a stereotype because they still do. All the time, and it's totally hirarious.

3. Japan is still the "future"
Faltering domestic technology? Disposable prime ministers? Concrete asphyxiation? Economic bankruptcy? "Urban heat island" effect? Baby, the future ain't what it used to be.

2. All Japanese girls are hot
Um, no. Not since Crocs or burlap made it into the fashion 'zines.

1. All Japanese people are, or at some point, were ninjas
I stand corrected again. This one is 100% true.


Ninja folklore notwithstanding, to me, the most amusing thing about this list, is that these are all images of Japan that Japan itself actively advertises and projects onto the rest of the world, who wouldn't know better. Oh, and when I say that these are stereotypes that I've been "[*] asked about," let me clarify--almost all of these are stereotypes that I've been reminded of by Japanese people. They are so unabashedly proud of having sustained the charade for so long, but even it has been slowly crumbling under the weight of its own impossibly grand metaphor, that not even the mysticism of the roaring 80's can perpetuate any longer.

So there you have it. And knowing is half the battle. Unless that battle were against a ninja, in which case 'knowing' would only amount to you knowing you were already dead.

Going to be a cowboy in the end

Last week, I requested two extra vacation days to extend my hilarious joke of a Spring "break" to five days. What started as only a single piece of paper, turned into a weeklong ordeal involving permission across multiple departments, multiple signature stamps, and multiple head bashing sessions into my desk. When they couldn't possibly find any more glaring omissions or punctuation errors on my request form, the principal decided that my reason for the request ("vacation time") was too specific, and should be changed as so not to invoke jealousy in the other teachers who voluntarily work 60 hour weeks with no overtime, and minimal vacation.

Jealousy!?
Ah, all my bullshit pet-peeves make so much more sense now:

* Employees are encouraged to stay as late as possible, because leaving the office before 6:00 might make others jealous of your wildly exciting personal life.

* It's considered extremely rude to walk and eat at the same time. I can only assume this is because exhibiting the graceful coordination required to eat and walk at the same time is a vulgar display of power, that would make anyone jealous.
Strangely enough, walking and drinking alcohol at the same time is not considered to rude, because no one will ever be jealous of the guy puking his brains out into a station garbage bin.

* Males must never take their shirts off in public, regardless of physical activity or heat index. This is obviously to keep Japanese women from becoming too jealous of the opposite sex's breast size.

* Despite being culturally accepted in other Asian countries, belching in Japan is considered a gross and foul offence. Because god forbid you enjoyed supper more than the person sitting next to you.

* Rather than to minimize embarrassment (contrary to popular belief), pharmaceutical or hygienic items must always be wrapped, then carefully bagged at the checkout. An educated assumption says that this must be to keep onlookers from being jealous for how often you must shower/do laundry/shave armpits/treat hemorrhoids/have sex/clip toenails/wipe ass.


Whelp, it's been a long year. This 'Japan' thing makes me tired and unjustly irritated. Makes all of us tired in ways we couldn't imagine--and rightfully so. Glad to be getting off this island for a few days.

Oh yeah, go buy the new Counting Crows album.