"working on my faults and cracks..."

6.29.2009

because "tamarack" was unavailable

It could be argued that innovation, no matter how outlandish it may be, is always still a step forward of sorts. However, that doesn't mean the creative minds at the helm of said innovative step forward are exempt from being complete morons. Case in point, anybody remember Crystal Pepsi? I know, even though it hardly bears worth remembering, everyone seems to use it as a benchmark of sorts, back in the glory days of soft drink innovation. It would seem however, that after a critical failure of the ill-fated foray into Pepsi's product line, rather than firing said "creative" minds who designed the drink, and placing them and their families into witness protection, they were instead corporately banished (along with their chemistry sets) to Japan to continue their infernal experimentation on a culture less critical--namely, one that goes blind apeshit for anything available on a limited, or "gentei" time basis.

Two years ago, it was Cucumber Pepsi, rocking Japanese convenience store shelves, selling out by the chilled neon green caseload, despite tasting like environmentally-friendly glow stick concentrate.
Then last summer, it was another iteration of Cucumber Pepsi, re-tooled and "extra refreshing," because the manager in charge had been allotted too much job security.
Having finally banished him and his pitiful family to Tunisia, this summer, Pepsi has clearly outdone themselves, taking the gloves off and putting down the phone, offering a brand new esoteric, yet entirely region-appropriate carbonated nightmare; the likes of which make even the original cucumber flavor look like some pussy-footing, inbred cousin of Pepsi Co.'s prestigious family of beverages.

Feast your jaded eyes on the newest addition to their metallic summer vegetable soft-drink line:

also moonlights as "beefsteak"

Shiso Pepsi.

The crowd in attendance gasps.
Then recovers its collective breath, quizzically asking in unison, "what the jolly green giantfuck is shiso?"

Shiso? You know, "perilla?" The same jagged-edged leaf, toxic to some animals, and used in bitter-tasting salads, soups, sashimis, and tempuras (or wherever basil couldn't be found). Strange as it may seem, shiso is clearly the most natural successor to cucumber; a vegetable who wouldn't know how to be interesting or have fun, even if 'fun' was a vagina-shaped summer squash.

So obviously, though I understood that "shiso" was a most dubious choice by Pepsi for a purportedly 'refreshing' summer drink line (this, from an overly glowing press release), what I didn't know, was what it tasted like. Naturally, a taste test was in order. However, since my immature palette has apparently not been the most objective platform for unbiased opinion, I recruited my boy Kaste (resident gearhead reputed for his uncanny enthusiasm in imbibing great quantities of evil liquids) and subjected his grinning mug to the Shiso Pepsi.

The obvious response? 

surely, you jest

"Yo get that nasty green shit out of my face."


There you have it--straight from the Japanese horse's mouth.
The prosecution rests.

6 contributions to this piece:

kiNASH said...

fuckin' funny kaste!haha!
I wonder how many shiso pepsi selled.I think people who bought this never buy one more shiso pepsi.

Dagbert said...

I don't have a single normal picture of Kasute actually. Think his face is permanently stuck that way.

Chino said...

I actually liked Crystal Pepsi. It was awesome!

Also, you forgot to mention that last summer also saw Yogurt-flavored Pepsi, which was a horrible combination of Calpis and Pepsi.


Though I think Shiso takes the cake for the worst idea from Pepsi Co. Japan yet.

Dagbert said...

Totally forgot about Yogurt-Pepsi. Wasn't that a collabo with Cow Piss or something?

dyki said...

Pepshit.

Dagbert said...

Winner winner chicken dinner.

 
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