"working on my faults and cracks..."


Weak. Sauce.

Thanksgiving would never fly in Japan for a number of reasons. One in particular being slightly more damning than the rest:

There are no fat people in Japan.

Ok, that's a lie. There are. But the reason for which God smote their metabolism probably has nothing to do with Hardees, Golden Correl, dollar drafts, Hellmann's, or firehouse pancake breakfasts--all reasons that make America kickass. And fat.
So, you can imagine that holding a twice-baked, deep-fried, golden-browned Thanksgiving celebration of gluttony in Japan, would go over about as well as holding the Hounen Matsuri (possibly NSFW if your boss objects to images of exuberant festival-goers carrying a giant wooden dong) in downtown Findlay, Ohio.


And then probably pitchforks and molotov cocktails being hurled at the Hancock County courthouse.

heh heh. "Hancock."

Anyway, back on track.
The problem is not that the people in Findlay cannot appreciate a giant phallus carved from a single cypress tree, the problem is that they're all Republicans.
The same goes for Japan. Which...uh...
I'm actually beginning to feel that a lot of my brilliant comparison has been lost, so I'll just move on. Feel free to take your hand and just cover those last few paragraphs, because I'm not going to delete them for you.

In hindsight, that wasn't at all "back on track."

Anyway, before I started talking about penises and Republicans, all I wanted to say was that Thanksgiving wouldn't work because the Japanese have a little phrase that goes "Hara hachi bu." Basically, it makes them invincible and exempts them from uh...wanting to eat too much. And being fat...or something. You know what? This isn't working. Let's just skip straight to the bottom line, and let this bloated train wreck of an analogy choke on its own sucktitude:

1. Japanese people are not fat.
2. Happy Thanksgiving.

And happy Black Friday too I guess, if you're one of the masochistic, numbskull shopper types.

God, I suck.

7 contributions to this piece:

Kimbrolynn said...

Is that not weird that I just wrote about that last part yesterday? Must be that time of year... for eating a lot or something... weird. And yes, I want a prize.

"penises and Republicans" AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Priceless ;)

And... I think the term 'festival' or 'harvest' really has nothing to do with H┼Źnen Matsuri and it's giant penis. No... I think it's something more like 'fertilization' and here is an endless amount of sake to make even the ugly ones happy.

Dagbert said...

Yeah, but I went ahead and posted it anyway.

No, the penis festival is about penises.
And bananas.

Ropheka said...

Nice Blog :)

Valerie said...

I feel so enlightened about Japanese culture now. :-p

Sarah said...

Heh. I have plans to go to both the penis festival and the lesser-known vagina festival next spring.

Just to say I've been and to take crazy pictures.

Dagbert said...

Can't they just have the penis/vagina festivals on the same afternoon?

Just get the crowds and their two huge respective floats at opposite ends of the street, and ram 'em together.

I'd go.

Sarah said...

I don't think they're technically on the same day, but I know that representatives from both shrines are at the other shrine's festival.

Though seeing crowds of Japanese people ram a giant wooden penis and vagina together would make for an awesome photo set.

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