"working on my faults and cracks..."


Ground folds to eat us both

I love it how people are always so quick to downplay the negative effects of their idiotic actions.

"Oh yeah, I know it was my fault, but it was really just the straw that broke the camel's back."

Oh yeah, it was just the straw. I hate that cliche. It's never a straw. Morons don't ever make mistakes in straws. More like beams, railroad ties, or 200 lb. dumbbells. Worse still, you're likening the person or thing you wronged to that of a camel. Ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger cold-cocked that douchebag camel in Conan the Barbarian, people have hated the beasts. They're ugly, they spit, they make gross noises, and they were the ugly, spitting, and gross inspiration for the tauntauns in Empire Strikes Back. So what you're telling me, is that the tiny little infraction that you committed isn't worth a second glance because 1) it's tiny, light, and combustable, and 2) it was done to a smelly, ugly, gross, spitting furry mammal with two giant humps?
What if we re-wrote the analogy to make you look like an asshole? That sounds like fun. Let's give it a whirl. Creative writing theme music please!

*Cues Kenny G. cover of "Stairway to Heaven"*

How about "_________ was the piano that fell three stories on your cat"?
Ouch. Cat killer. I don't like cats, so we can do better.

Or "________ was the fat ass that broke my guitar hero controller"?
Hoo--now you're fat, and you don't communicate well with your ground crews before landing. Nice.

... ... ... the hell...?

Ah, now I remember where I was going with this.
If my mother knew what I was eating on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure she'd drive all the way down here and start shoving beets, spinach, yams, green beans, and corn down any orifice I leave unobstructed. For me though, the sinking realization that I don't eat enough vegetables came tonight at KFC, where two snackers were the straw that broke the...hmm...
It seriously just occured to me that the previous rant really doesn't even apply here. What a shitty analogy and a giant waste of my time...

Anyway, peeling back the wrappers revealed a chaotic, disorganized orgy of shredded lettuce, cheese sauce, and lanky chicken tender, tucked haphazardly into a dry bun. I'd now like to invite any fourth-graders to the stage to make their little fourth grade remarks about lanky tenders and dry buns. You bastards done? Fantastic.
Seriously though, my eyes zeroed in on the lettuce like a SAM to heat. Alas, it was green, and I devoured it with gusto. I've since been entertaining dreams of chowing into a whole head of lettuce without cutting or seperating it. Gross.

Anyway, I think the whole point of this was just to tell my mom, before she gases up the car, rest assured I'll be requesting extra tomato and onion on my whoppers this week. Those are vegetables aren't they?

2 contributions to this piece:

Valerie said...

I'm trying to think of a way to use the word "balls" in a comment here, and failing.


Zach said...

Oh snap! Balls balls balls!

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