"working on my faults and cracks..."

5.19.2009

the DI tries his hand at a PSA, fails miserably

In case you ever found yourself wondering how many blades could be attached to a basic facial grooming razor before things started getting a little redundant:

the bottom of the barrel 

Yes. Five. Five would be that magic number.

The first thought that comes to mind when picking up this monstrosity, is that I am not holding a razor--I am holding the evil chimeran fruits of a goddamned arms race.
I can just see the Gillette marketing team now, smugly patting themselves on the back for accomplishing what no other company has yet dared try. But there are two distinct reasons they made it to that plateau first. The same perfectly logical reasons that wisely stopped Shick at four blades on their brilliant flagship "Quattro" razor. One, and most obviously, because 'Cinco' had already been trademarked by 'de Mayo,' and secondly, because putting five blades on a razor is totally batshit retarded

Despite the fact that I can't grow a beard to save my life (can count on two hands the number of follicles that comprise my prepubescent "sideburns"), I won't even get into how unbelievably idiotic the niche marketing concept behind making a "fusion" razor for "gamers." Fortunately, that's already been covered. Because from a usability standpoint, the Fusion Gamer is a bloated device so incapably overdeveloped beyond its own good, it has somehow managed to devolve into nothing more than a primitive screen door of blades to scrape across my pathetic unshorn 'gamer' 5 o'clock shadow (said shadow, 72 hours in the making).

This razor does nothing to enhance my shaving experience. It's not useful. It's not well-meaning. It's just stupid. 

I'm only wasting time to write about using the Gamer, because so far, every time I've wanted to get through shaving so I could get back to Killzone 2, I've managed to slice my face up. And when the "Fusion Gamer" nicks or cuts, it doesn't do so like a 'mortal' razor. No, not once, not twice, or even in triplicate. No, it cuts in fives. Quintuplicate. Or "Cincos" for the smirking, south-of-the-border Quattro-toting crowd. If I wanted to aerate my skin in such a manner, I'd gladly volunteer to repeatedly throw my face through a wall of steel venetian blinds. At least then, I'd have a badass story for sharing at parties. 
And to top it off? The razor looks stupid. Like a Bowie knife after spending an afternoon collaborating with Mattel.

I know a sushi chef or two who would kill for an hour with this razor. For everyone else? The Fusion Gamer works every bit as agreeably as it looks--that is, like a nightmare, obviously.

3 contributions to this piece:

Kimbrolynn said...

PSA smash, ftw.

Get on, you don't actually know any sushi chefs ;) Give it to the smiley guy for his lemons :)

Dagbert said...

Ok fine, not the tuna-slinging, white rubber boot-wearing chefs that might immediately come to mind.

I'm thinking more of the sushi arranging variety. And they would love a Fusion Sushi.

Banta said...

Im no die hard MadTv fan, but this skit came to mind anyways

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbT3JARkluk

 
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