Judge Mental

Japan's national population density most recently clocked in at a whopping 339 people per square kilometer.
Granted, while it doesn't mean I bump elbows with 678 people in my bicycle commute to work every day, it does mean that every moment outside my freezing closet above the river is a "people watching" moment.

Sometimes, I write short biographical sketches about them.

"Educated at the top school in the country, groomed for a life of company leadership, the most powerful pair of pants in the boardroom still can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground. First to graduate, first in line, always the last one on the clue train."

"Loves her job as much as the thought of finding someone to hammer out a few babies with. Abnormally pale skin suggests psychological frailty, and an aversion to the outdoors."

"Struggled through all the low-paying assistant and substitute teaching positions to become a low-paid, low respected middle-of-the-road peon in a barely average public high school. Walks to school. Still wears tweed. Probably dislikes his wife."

"Was assistant to the third-string backup relief pitcher in high school. Thinks he's hot shit because he talked to a cheer girl. Once. Currently works with all the single office ladies, and fantasizes about them copying and faxing his monthly earnings to his mother."

"She's got posters on her walls of all the guys she'll never know, a nursery school room full of reminders, and a heart full of hope. But she's running out of time."

"Soft-spoken, well-educated. Timid. Better coach than he is a father. Works too hard. And for what?"

"Loves escalators. Graduated class of 1987 as 'Most Likely to Become a Pedophile' with an emphasis in Upskirt Video Production."

"Once stuck his penis in a ukelele, just to see how it felt. Has yet to stick it in a girl."

Penis, not the ukelele.