"working on my faults and cracks..."

11.29.2007

If I wanted to cuddle, I'd buy a goddamn teddy bear


Wanting to "give it all to everyone" is an insipid cliche.
So is the overused analogy of life as "a winding road" and/or "a long way home."
I'm also not particularly fond (re: I despise) of being told to not wait for "someone to tell you it's not too late." And I swear to god, the very next time I hear that "these are the best days" and "there's always something tomorrow," I'm going to drop kick my neighbor's obnoxious baby into the nearest rice paddy.
"Here come the rest of our lives" it says. Whoop whoop, here comes more bile to the back of my throat. Not even your weepy acoustic guitar will save this auditory embarrassment.

"Let's make the best of it..." Ok, ok, stop.
Shut. Up.
You're not even trying anymore.
Come on, who the hell buys into this tripe? It's like they just threw some bland acoustic guitar and orchestra synth tracks over a bored reading of "Chicken Soup for the Soccer Mom's Soul" and then sent it to some prissy studio in Nashville who mastered the living piss out of it.


It finally just occurred to me tonight, why I positively abhor singer/songwriters.

Most of them look like this, shit out records that look like this, open for overrated bands that look like this, and "write" rehashed "hit" singles that read like this.

I was lying there on my bed a few minutes ago trying to sleep away the evening, when Mr. Colton's single floated through my iTunes shuffle. "How delightfully generic and pretentiously inspirational" I thought. "How ever did this end up on my computer?" Perhaps I had been tricked into downloading this faceless crap months ago in one of the iTunes store's free "single of the week" ruses.

For years, I've been fending off music recommendations without much of an excuse. At last, this song has given me one:

Singer/songwriters make me want to barf.**

Mr. Colton, you owe me back the 3 minutes and 34 seconds it took to listen to your wretched single "Best Days," and then the 20 minutes I wasted in a burning rage at my keyboard looking up links and bitching on this worthless epiphany.
I could have used that precious time to play Castlevania.

Start passing around that holiday cheer. To your left.



** Notable exceptions being Rocky Votolato and Joe Purdy.



"She broke my heart, so I broke his jaw"


2 contributions to this piece:

Valerie said...

Castlevania is the shizzie.

Seth Shapiro said...

Twist and shout :D

 
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