"working on my faults and cracks..."


Another totally not-stoked Facebook customer

As you may or may not know, college stalker-vision extraordinare Facebook.com recently underwent a pretty hefty Facelift as they excitedly reported. I'd say 'facelift' is only a gross misapproximation of what actually went down. Kinda like hitting up the cosmetic surgeon for some extensive and heavy facelifting (eyebrows, nose job, forehead--the works), only to find out that while you were under, he instead spent quality time investigating the gaping hole in the back of your hospital gown--then broadcasted the HD footage of a field trip through your large intenstines on the internet. So yeah, it's not like facebook was my favorite site or anything, but for people to keep track of me, it's dope. However, now with their new constant update feed, I think I'm being cyber-violated on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. Or where the hell my pants are.
So, in lieu of their changes, I thought I'd just jump one step ahead of the bandwagon. Rather than get my RSS Stalkerfeed from Facebook, just bookmark this page. I'll keep you updated myself. Kinda like this:


Zach woke up and couldn't find his damn Northstar t-shirt (11:30am)
Zach ignored Matt Reed on his way to class (1:55pm)
Valerie Hilde pushed Zach's DS buttons in a retarded class exercise (2:35pm)
Zach ripped a PBJ several new assholes for lunch (4:05pm)
Zach and Lyndsay Norris talked about Hellogoodbye after a tootering center meeting (3:45pm)
Lacey Moorlag showed Zach her new hair on his way to class (5:55pm)
Some dude named Cris d-bombed a massive fart in Zach's Chinese class (6:20pm)
Zach wished KJ Skapik a happy drunken birthday via text message (8:10pm)
Zach tossed his second parking ticket in three days in the back seat of his shitty car (10:45pm)
Zach did not accidentally broadcast his naked ass via live webcam (11:25am)
Zach told his Web Design homework to go screw itself (1:30am)
Web Design homework did not go screw itself (1:32am)
Desk Lego robots 7.02 and VA.01 fought to the death (3:10am)

This new feed they've been pimping is some seriously vine-ripened bullshit that I'm honestly not going to be able to handle much longer. It's not like they're feeding stalkers any more juicy tidbits--we have myspace and xanga and regular facebook to give them their dirty fix. What bothers me is that it lets people that I may not like on a daily basis, in on certain pieces of trivial information that I wouldn't necessarily share with anyone on a daily basis. It's invasive, excessive, retarded, and it needs to go.

Business continues as usual with the J-trains who earlier this week, were entertained by UF Chairman Beckett. Just a trip to the stuffiest place on the face of the planet--the Findlay Country Club--or the FCC for the morons who pay 20 grand a year to sit at fold-out cardtables with fancy tablecloths and fantasize about meeting Big Joey Pantywaist or whomever the current 'in' golfer is. Yeah, my POS Shadow was about as out of place in their parking lot as an asian hooker in a southern Baptist tent revival would be.

Oh, and the standing bass and guitar solos during Living End's Apeface will melt your ass.

*** UPDATE 9/8/06 ***
A mere eight hours after my post, I wake up at my usual 1:00 and go to check my email and see how my latests stalkees are doing on Facebook, when I find an open letter from Facebook Assface Mark Zuckerberg. Without disclosing the contents of the entire letter, I'll just highlight a few quotes.

"We really messed this one up."
"...we missed the point with Feed...this was a big mistake on our part..."
"I'm really sorry..."
"We have been coding nonstop for two days to get you better privacy controls..."
"...never let any other person know about...if this may sound silly...but...I wish I made...so many of you angry..."
"...want to thank all of you who have written in and created groups and protested."

So there you have it. Behold, the power of the pissed-off people.
Oh and Mark, you're welcome.

3 contributions to this piece:

Kathryn said...

Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?

Valerie said...

I liked that you specified DS buttons. You know, so people don't get the wrong idea or anything...

Valerie said...

Oh my god...I just realized...you're wearing a SUIT in that picture! Holy crap!


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