"working on my faults and cracks..."

5.27.2007

This one's for fighting, and this one's for fun


I've been playing Resistance: Fall of Man since the day the Playstation 3 launched. I've seen every firmware update, bitched about every game of Conversion, and was there the first night we all started circle-strafing each other at Nottingham. Granted, for the amount of time I have played the game, I have not yet attained the level of player in Resistance who has played over 2000 games, and racked up innumerable amounts of kills. Usually when I meet such players in-game, I die very quickly, but console myself in assuming that God put them here on this planet to do one, and one thing only, and that is to play video games where one runs about shooting people and insulting their intelligence, in lieu of normal social interactions. Regardless, my stats don't lie--I do not entirely suck at this game. I do not suck at this game so much, in fact, that I've decided to impart a little bit of my seasoned know-how to the influx of new and inexperienced Playstation 3 owners who have been graciously padding my stats in R:FOM over the last few days.

* If you see your teammate next to you mysteriously drop dead, I recommend you not spin in circles to find the bullet's source. My Farsight scope usually moves from right to left, and you are next. Dumbass.

* If your stats reflect a current losing streak of 104, while it is unfortunate that Sony has yet to introduce a braille SIXAXIS, perhaps you're better suited for playing dominoes, the banjo, or "pin the tail on the donkey."

* If you charge me head-on, and I am not moving, I suggest you make your shots count, because I'm not lagging, in the bathroom, or typing an instant message. I'm aiming, and I'm only going to take a single shot. Until you start finding players dumber than you, kills will never come easy. Don't be such an overeager dumbass.

* If you so choose to trash talk, don't insult your intelligence with exclusive usage of vocabulary rhyming with words like "maggot" or "tigger." Either start watching syndicated reruns of 'Frasier', or just die in an electrical fire. The community doesn't need you. Oh, and if your PSN doesn't start with "agni" or some other player whose kill count looks like a pinball score, your trash talk runs the risk of becoming desperate "compensations" of some prepubescent jackass with severe shortcomings in a certain 'virtual' department.

* If your name is "eat_shit_and_die_noobs," or contains any combination of the aforementioned, your stats reveal that you, in fact, are a noob. How delightfully contradictory! What your stats do not reveal however, is that you are a raging dickhead. But I already knew that before we ended up in the same clan.

* If I catch you tea-bagging another player, the punishment for placing your virtual ball sack on someone's virtual face is immediate and virtual embarrassment. Know I will not bother to engage you in the nuisance of any honorable fisticuffs. You will only receive a single, double-barreled shotgun blast in the back, before I go skipping on my merry way.

* If you are being chased, remember that this is not a Benny Hill video. It will be in your best interest to not run around a corner and hide. The auger shoots through cover. Remember? Or did you not bother to finish the Northern Command chapter?

* If you LAARK me, I will respawn, ignore your teammates as I seek you out, and spank you senseless with the butt of my rifle.

So, let's review, shall we?
Inflammatory screen names will get you shot. Standing still will get you shot. Hiding will get you shot. Bull-charging will get you shot. Trash-talking will get you shot. Using the LAARK will get you shot. Tea-bagging will get you shot.

Oh yeah, and trash-talking my PSN name will get you shot. Twice.
 
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